Let me be

I know I'm fiercely loyal and dedicated to my family and friends, sometimes to the point where it has sacrificed my own interests (as I previously mentioned). I didn't realize I was sacrificing myself this whole time because it was such a familiar way of life. I know my family loves me and supports me in their own way, but I know that the idea of them always holds me back from doing different things I want to. I'm calling out one of my major excuses in life. Sometimes they discourage me from doing things (being protective), sometimes they get more sad about things not being the same or that I have to go away for awhile for me to do what I need to do, they say things that sometimes make me feel guilty for not spending more time with them, then I get scared and hold back. I get scared because I always want to be there and I don't want to miss out and I don't want to take my time with those I love for granted. I've been making some adjustments along the way trying to find the compromise that pleases me and them, and that hasn't happened. I'm not going to blame my family because I haven't pursued certain experiences in life I've been dying to have. It's my life, my responsibility to make more conscious decisions and no more blaming.

I like to go out and do different things for fun. I mean sure if I gave up those things, then I would obviously have more time to babysit my nephew, follow up on every family or friend obligation I had (meaning taking care of a lot of things for other people they delegate to me), spend more time with some friends I lost touch with, help people with a lot of random things that come up, catch up on all my favorite television shows, catch up on a lot of movies, get all my homework done early, and have everything perfectly clean and organized. I know I do a lot. Sometimes for myself, a lot of times for others. I will never get it all done. Of course no matter how much I hope I make a difference in some people's lives it may never be enough or truly appreciated. That's okay though. I completely accept that. I don't give of myself and my resources because I want or expect something in return. That's not my point; I'm getting to it.

The reality is that as much as I let everyone else have their time to shine and assisted others or participated in the dreams of others, I want my turn. I want my time and space to fully pursue my dreams and the kind of life I really want. Not the dreams that my family and society are pressuring me to have. I have my own. I'm tired of listening to everyone's "shoulds." I'm not getting tied down to a house or major commitments right now. I'm not in that phase in my life yet. I'm ready to take care of things that matter to me first. I'm finally giving myself the time and space to explore, try different things, discover myself, and take more risks.

Now that's off my chest, it's time to move on. Let me be. I'm living my life.